Since its Halloween we thought we’d bring you the scariest music videos of all time. Forget NME, forget Rolling Stone, Forget Q magazine and any other list by reputable journalists. This is the definitive top 13 list of the scariest music videos ever. That it was created on a whim does not detract from its authority. Some of them are down right scary, some of them are creepy, some of them are unsuitable for younger viewers and some of them will make you cry.
13 THRILLER // Michael Jackson
“What?” We hear you say, “A classic like this comes in at number 13.” It is without doubt a classic and couldn’t be omitted from the definitive list, but over the years its ‘camp-ness’ trumps its horror. [That’s camp-ness in a Michael Keaton Batman kinda way]. Nevertheless, when a 3 year old Lenny saw this for the first time, he remembers distincly running behind the sofa to hide from the big bad wolf. The scariest part of the video occurs at 1m50s when Jacko says: “I have something I wanna tell ya… I’m not like other guys… I’m different.” No Shit! [That’s different in a ‘I might have played with Macaulay Culkin’s todger kinda way]. No wonder a young Lenny ran behind the sofa.
12 JEREMY // Pearl Jam
Partially based on a true story of some troubled little sod called ‘Jeremy’ who decided it would be fun to blow his brains out in front of his school mates. The video isn’t scary per se, but it builds up in intensity, both musically and visually, leading to the public suicide. The video caused a storm of controversy in America. This kind of video that is full of suspense culminating depressing climax is the type of video that brings Ash to tears – but then that’s not hard, Ash was once reduced to tears whilst watching a performance by Torvill and Dean. [The video above doesn’t have the little lad with the pistol in his mouth, that was banned – and its hard to find the uncut version – but here’s the out-take.]
11 BORN FREE // M.I.A
Whilst we’re on the subject of death, some people have said (including MIA themselves) that this video is about genocide. We think its just about killing boys with ginger hair. Let’s face it genocide is pretty scary. Its scarier than the droopy boobs of the old lady you get to see early on in the video. But its not as scary as watching a young ginger-ninja get his brains blown out. If that wasn’t scary enough there’s another close up of a ginger haired lad being blown to smithereens. Some people find ginger haired people being subjected to torture, horrific violence and death by explosion quite amusing. Now that’s scary.
10 NUMA NUMA // Church of the Sub-Genius (Rev. Ivan Stang and Princess Wei “R.”)
Insanity is scary. That’s why this made the list. Its an overdub of a song called “Dragostea Din Tei”, by Moldovan boy-band O-Zone. Along with the sincerely crazy facial expressions of both the nutters and the absurd pony tail of Reverend Stang, the line: ‘But soon, some spoon, just eat… a comb’ was certainly lost in translation from the Moldavian original. If you are interested you can see original version here (its also scary in a similar vein).
09 HEART SHAPED BOX // Nirvana
Rocking in at number 9 we visit the idea of scary symbology and disturbing visuals. Again its kind if less scary, more disturbing. A Jesus Come Santa picking poppies being nailed to the cross with pecking ravens, foetuses committing suicide, hanging themselves with their umbilical chords and a small white child dressed in Klu Klux Clan regalia. Some people find this kind of imagery disturbing.
08 PARABOLA // Tool
Tool’s Parabola is a long video, but it’s well worth a watch. The plasticine vomiting humanoids are amusing. And lets face it so is a man that looks like a fish. That he looks like a fish was probably unintentional. But the scariest thing is Morph’s slightly better looking cousin getting dissected. And for any new age types, make sure you watch to the end as the video contains the best ever visual depiction of Kundalini travelling through energy meridians to initiate the destruction of the ego and dissolution in to the matrix to become ‘one with all’, or whatever the fuck its meant to be. But this video was mainly included to remind all suffers of horror that ‘Pain is an illusion’. If that’s true then which fucking scary twat invented that illusion? (yes God we’re talking to you, you sicko!) [Be sure to switch on HD in the settings when watching].
07 CLOSER // Nine Inch Nails
This is the directors cut, depicting a nice dose of blasphemy and sacrilege set to an industrial beat, pleasing the viewer with a real heart extracted from a body hog-tied to a chair and mechanically simulated to beat. Added to this recipe of depravity is a naked bald women, reptiles, cockroaches and a crucified monkey. Such images might be considered horrific. But the scary fact is that Trent Reznor wants to ‘Fuck us like an Animal’. Run for your lives!
06 COME TO DADDY // Aphex Twin
Does there need to be any explanation of why this video is scary? Just watch it. Kudos to the old lady in the video. She was certainly game for the filming. We did feel terribly sorry for her having to stand that close to a monster. It wasn’t just any old monster, it was a monster that was birthed through a TV set and had a big mouth and a sever case of halitosis standing in close proximity and blowing its bad breath fiercely in her face. How terrible? That poor old lady.
05 DANCING IN THE STREET // Mick Jagger & David Bowie
Without doubt this is a scary video. Just when you think Mick Jagger’s cunting eysore of a shirt is the most horrific thing you’ve seen since accidentally opening the bedroom door to find your mum and dad having sex, along comes David Bowie dressed in a Leopard Skin onesie and a trench coat. Then these two cavort in some homoerotic peacocking. Close ups of their face depict such ugly similarities that one can only deduce they were spawned from the same alien being. Imagine how scared you would be as you set off to the grocery store one night and there’s Mick and David coming at you like a dancing pair of 80’s curtains. Just when you think the video is over, its true horror is revealed with a synchronised bum wiggle. When things get this scary, you simply have to laugh.
04 WE ARE ONE // Buckethead & Serj Tankian
If you like your horror with a splash of taxidermy then this will tickle your perversion. To be honest fuck knows what’s really going on here. But its something like this: Buckethead is practising some devilish Frankenstein hocus-pocus on a collected assortment of roadkill. A porcupine, a rabbit, a lobster and a severed hand are stitched together to form a dodgy looking stuffed animal that is not very friendly. A fight ensues and the beast wins out and exacts some taxidermist revenge of its own, proving that though it might be unfriendly it is not stupid. In fact it can competently perform surgical operations by replacing Buckethead’s feet for that of a duck and what might be a pig’s trotter. Its the concept, dude, that’s what’s scary!
03 PIGGYHOG // Salem
It’s short, but definitely not sweet. Savoury, one might say. And it provides an extra dose of horror for those animal lovers out there. The dude in the video seems to have a nice affection for pigs. Early on we get to see him impregnate one. Even without the bizarre conceptual idea, just the close up shot of a real piglet emerge from a pig’s vagina is horrific enough. Nevertheless, his bestial swine lust gets the better of him in the end. How do you like your bacon?
02 GHOST BUSTERS // Ray Parker Jr.
This, at number 2 in the all time scariest music videos – ever. You’re having a giraffe? No other music video has this many ghosts and gouls in it, especially when you factor in John Candy. And what about the poor woman there she is sleeping in bed, then the invisible man pulls back her bed clothes. If that wasn’t scary enough, all of a sudden Ray Parker Jr and his daft moustache pops out from under your bed. Fuck me, how long has he been there? At 2m45, Ray says: “let me tell you something… busting makes me feel good”. Alright Ray, do not cross on to my side of the pavement.
01 LOVE SICK // Dog Like Status
Well what a surprise? The scariest music video of all time ever is Love Sick by us. Are we biased? no. And when we say ‘no’, we mean ‘yes’, and when we say ‘yes’ we mean we don’t give a fuck! But hey, with references to paedophilia, a homage to insanity, a sinister clown that makes Pennywise look like a pussy cat, references to domestic violence, short pornographic montages, simulated masturbation with a Barbie doll shaped penis and a vomiting ejaculation, its fair to say its pretty horrific. As well as that lot, its the first music video in the world that shows the UK’s most notorious paedophile and child abuser Jimmy Savile, as well as subliminal images of a dead child. Yes its pretty horrific. But never mind that cocktail of crookedness, the scariest thing in this video is Ash, and in particular his teeth. Don’t be too frightened folks, As pointed out earlier, the mad man in the video can be reduced to tears by videos of figure skating.
So that’s that. Be sure to lets us know if we’ve omitted some of your favourite scary music videos.